Attitude Quiz for Potential Employees (Smartass Extra)
There are no wrong answers (unless you want to work for us)
I wrote this one after I tried applying for one of those census taker jobs. I didn't get the job. I got this out of it. And yes, I am neurodivergent enough to have actually answered a “no wrong answers” survey like this honestly, only to learn that “sometimes my boss is too bossy” was not something I should have ever answered in the positive. Honestly, I've had bosses that were fucking bullies.
(John Cheever and Job articles resume next week. I promise)
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Thank you for your interest in [organization]. Please answer every question honestly. There are no wrong answers.
1. I believe in hard work.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
2. My peers think that I’m a hard worker.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
3. I generally get along with everyone.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
4. It’s OK to take office supplies from the work site.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
5. Coffee breaks should be rewards for good behavior.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
6. I have punched co-workers in the face.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
7. I believe that working on other projects during the work day is stealing time from the company!
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
8. Hard work guarantees advancement.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
9. Everyone steals from their work place.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
10. Urinating in the break room coffee is always wrong!
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
11. If I don’t finish the job I need to stay late.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
12. My family is important to me.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
13. I would leave work to deal with a family emergency
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
14. I have liked every boss that I’ve ever worked for.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
15. Sometimes my boss is too bossy
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
16. I takes frequent smoke breaks.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
17. I smoke.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
18. I take frequent smoke breaks even though I don’t smoke.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
19. The smoker’s balcony is the best place to learn about the organization.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
20. Team Building is important.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
21. Weekends provide great opportunities for catching up on work.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
22. My co-workers’ salary is none of my business.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
23. I don’t care about the CEO’s salary.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
24. Even if the CEO makes 500 times as much as I do, they deserve it.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
25. Sexual harassment is bad.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
26. I should always report sexual harassment.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
27. I should report sexual harassment even if it will make more work for the HR department.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
28. In my last job, someone was accused of sexual harassment.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
29. He was a really good guy so I don’t believe those rumors.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
30. Besides they never sexually harassed me.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
31. If my boss tells me to do something, I should do it right away.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
32. I believe in unions.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
33. This place should have a union.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
34. I would never join a union because I value my independence.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
35. Drugs tests should be mandatory.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
36. Everyone smokes marijuana in the workplace parking lot.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
37. I enjoy smoking marijuana on company time.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
38. Cocaine makes me work harder.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
39. I love to work hard.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
40. Government agencies don’t need to interfere with business.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
41. If management says that the site is OSHA compliant hen I am satisfied.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
42. 2+2=5
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
43. If a co-worker is being lazy, I should report them to HR immediately.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
44. Mandatory overtime is fun.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
45. If I don’t work 50 hours a week, I feel lazy.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
46. Going home early is stealing from the company.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
47. Overtime pay is a socialist plot that should be abolished.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
48. Daily meetings are important.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
49. Outsourcing is an exciting way to save money for the company.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
50. If I don’t control the means of production, I have no business telling management how to conduct their business.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
51. It is very rude to put pictures of guillotines on the bathroom walls.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
52. I want a salary position because I like the security of knowing my monthly pay.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
53. No one should listen to music at work.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
54. All jobs are only temporary.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
55. Downsizing is a great way to increase profits.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
56. The bonus plan should be changed every two weeks to keep the employees competitive.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
57. I come to work to work and not to talk to people.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
58. Conversations are for the break room and not the work floor.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
59. I always speak well of my place of employment.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
60. Even without an NDA I would never talk about my work place.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
61. If my superior yells at me, I need to improve my work behavior.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
62. A threat of termination is a great motivator.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
63. A bad attitude is contagious.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
64. I should always say nice things about the boss.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
65. My last job was a dysfunctional mess.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
66. I should only go to the bathroom three times a week.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
67. Frequent bathroom breaks steal from company time.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
68. If I go to the bathroom more than twice a day, I should have a valid reason such as diabetes.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
69. I should talk on the cell phone when I’m using the bathroom in order to increase efficiency.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
70. If I come into work early, I should leave work early.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
71. No one should discuss management decisions on company time.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
72. No one should discuss management away from work.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
73. If I hold a party and invite co-workers, I should always make certain to invite at least two managers.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
74. Health insurance is ultimately my responsibility.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
75. It is the company’s choice whether or not to give health insurance.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
76. The company can change its health insurance plan if it gets a better deal.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
77. Missing work for cancer treatments is stealing from the company.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
78. If there’s a gap in the health insurance, I can pay for the time when it’s not provided.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
79. 401K is a great idea because I will retire one day.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
80. I should get a 401K plan regardless of the size of my paycheck.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
81. It is not the company’s problem if I can’t manage my money.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
82. The company is not responsible for my landlord demanding rent immediately.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
83. Everyone should take a vacation on their own time.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
84. Since the company needs to replace workers when they are on vacation, the company should not be expected to pay their workers in that time.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
85. No one gives vacation time pay anymore.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
86. I don’t need vacations because work is fun.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
87. I am comfortable with a script for dealing with customers.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
88. If I deviate from that script, I should be fired.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
89. I believe that lizard people control the world.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
90. I have read Das Kapital.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
91. Talking about Karl Marx on company time should be grounds for dismissal.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
92. I like working in a dynamic office.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
93. I work hard. I play hard.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
94. I feel uncomfortable when I am not at work.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
95. I like seeing new faces when I come into work!
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
96. If a co-worker leaves the company, I don’t want to hear why.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
97. I do not believe that anyone should look for work when they have a job.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
98. If I update my resume, I am betraying my co-workers.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
99. I have hated every single job I have ever worked.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
100. Religion is a bad excuse to miss work days.
Strong Agree
Agree
Neither Agree nor Disagree
Disagree
Strongly Disagree
If you’d like to keep supporting me, please buy an audiobook version of Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers - it has zombie porn.
I sold my story “Discourses on the Seven Headed Monkey” to Spectrum: An Autistic Horror Anthology, so feel free to buy that one. Leave a review. Yada yada.