"Company Policy" by Tim Lieder (Fiction Extra)
Please do not wear Hawaiian shirts if you have direct contact with Visitors.
The article on John Cheever’s “The Day the Pig Fell in the Well” is taking longer than I thought. It’s a deceptively simple story about telling stories so my ADHD brain is struggling to figure out what I want to say about it without referencing everything from The Canterbury Tales to Israel to Game of Thrones with dozens of personal stories and the “art vs. artist” debate. Also it’s been a slow work week (which SHOULD mean that I have more time to work on Substack, but instead I end up worrying about finding work. Anyone need a manuscript or resume edited? Email me) Also my cat died today which sucks. I only adopted him last August and he was old when I took him home but still loved him.
I wrote this story because I was invited to an alien encounters/urban legends anthology. They didn’t buy it but I sold it to MilkFist, First Contact and Fake News (Beyond Stempunk). I like to write stories that are not written specifically like stories but imitate other forms of media (academic introductions, documentary transcripts, personal statements, etc.) and in this case, I chose the kind of introductory material that you receive and skim on your first day of a job complete with brief history, regulations and dress codes. It was a challenge to imitate bland corporate speak while maintaining interest.
Company Policy
by Tim Lieder
Welcome to Omega Group LLC. This packet will serve as your introduction. Omega Group is one of the top consulting firms in North America. You have been chosen from a diverse and highly talented pool of candidates because you have the Omega Group qualities: determination, ambition and a willingness to work hard. Once you've perused the materials, please feel free to ask your orientation leader any questions. We are eager to introduce you to this exciting new chapter in your life.
History
Omega Group began in 1855 when Thomas Eaton opened a small dry goods store in Lawrence, Kansas. Eaton Dry Goods prospered in that turbulent time; ceasing operations only for a month in 1863 when William Quantrell's raiders killed 67 Lawrence civilians. Thomas survived the raiders by hiding in his basement as they set fire to his store.
By 1866, Thomas Eaton had fully rebuilt his business and thrived in the post-war economy. By 1871, he had expanded into lady's apparel and hardware. In 1873, his cousin Jethro came up from Mississippi to help daily operations. Ultimately, Jethro introduced Thomas to the Visitors; having established a relationship with them throughout the war. They had offered him an opportunity to voluntarily assist in research and development.
The Visitors were so impressed with Thomas Eaton's tenacity, that they offered him a position in their biomedical division. He refused but countered their request with an offer of full partnership. When Thomas Eaton died in 1903, he had successfully established the first Terran/Visitor partnership in the United States.
Today we are the industry leader in 23 different products and services including sports bras, tennis rackets and radiology scanners.
Dress Code
All offices are business casual. No jeans, sweatshirts, t-shirts or ripped clothing will be tolerated. Management asks that you do not wear polo shirts to work as they offend the Visitors. Those working in direct contact with Visitors will wear specially designed glasses at all time. These glasses are for your protection. The Visitors' true appearance may interfere with your ability to conduct your work.
Removing glasses in Visitor areas is subject to disciplinary action including dismissal.
In the past, employees have removed the glasses in order to see the Visitors unfiltered. While some have managed to function without adverse affects, many have experienced unfortunate reactions including blindness, hallucinations and depression. Company policy dictates that you wear glasses at all times when in contact with Visitors; your employee health insurance will NOT pay for any medical or psychological conditions that arise from ignoring said policy.
Every second Friday is Casual Friday. You may wear jeans but please only wear jeans in good condition. Please do not wear Hawaiian shirts if you have direct contact with Visitors.
Initiation Ceremony
Undoubtedly, you've heard several rumors about the Initiation Ceremony. Please be assured that it's perfectly safe. You will not be asked to relinquish your liver. You will not be led into a basement full of candles and forced to kiss a donkey. No one will slap you, hit you or force you to wear mashed potatoes in your hair. This is a place of business, not a fraternity.
The Initiation Ceremony is confidential and any disclosure of the actual Initiation Ceremony to non-employees is a breach of contract and grounds for dismissal. Should you disclose the details, you will be in breach of contract. We will not hesitate to utilize all legal means to recoup any losses that may come from disclosure. Should you prove unable to complete the Initiation Ceremony, you will be asked to leave immediately.
Within the next three weeks, you will be given your company car and you will drive it to a lonely stretch of highway. Once on that road, you will drive back and forth flashing your headlights. When a motorist flashes their headlights back at you, you are to pursue, run them off the road and shoot all passengers. Upon completion, you will call company liaisons to fly out, confirm the kill and dispose of evidence.
Upon confirmation of completion, you will be allowed to keep the company car. It's yours for the duration of your employment at Omega Group LLC.
We recommend that you drive out to a location where nobody knows you. Thus far, we have had no personal mishaps; please note that we have a very strict policy against our employees utilizing the Initiation to carry out personal vendettas.
Rules of Conduct
All employees are expected to arrive to their assignments neat, clean and punctual. Employees are expected to perform their tasks to the best of their ability. Employees will not conduct personal business on company time. All personal email and internet usage must be restricted to break times.
We strive for a non-hostile workplace. Any harassment based on race, ethnicity or sexual orientation is grounds for dismissal. We will conduct thorough investigation into any claim of sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is grounds for disciplinary actions including suspension without pay and dismissal.
Employees will not refer to the Visitors in a derogatory manner. Any employee using discriminatory terms for the Visitors are subject to immediate dismissal without pay. These terms include but are not limited to: extraterrestrials, ET, alien, alien invaders, Martians, probe buddies, saucer men, bug people and Cattle Rapers. Please do not attempt to pronounce their species name in their native tongue. That feat requires double tongues and mandibles. For your convenience, they have all adopted terrestrial names. Please refer to them as either their terrestrial name or the honorific "Sir" when addressing them.
Non-disclosure Agreement
By accepting employment, you agree to not divulge company secrets, company rules of conduct, corporate methodology, company mission statement, and the existence of certain divisions. Furthermore, you agree that all of your work will belong to Omega Group. Should you violate these terms, you will be subject to legal action including but not limited to lawsuits, public disclosure of your role in the Initiation Ceremony and Visitor Tribunal Justice.
Please sign and date to confirm that you understand this policy. Again, welcome to Omega Group. May your time with us prove mutually beneficial.
To buy a book with this story, I’d recommend First Contact: A Science Fiction Anthology
For more of my stories, please buy Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers