"Family Reunion" (Fiction Extra)

He’s pissing on Officer Schmidt’s uniform. Patricia is crying.

I wanted to put this one under a subscriber paywall, but it’s still online for free from On the Premises , so I guess I should make this one free. I have other stories under paywalls like Bop Kabala and Communist Jazz, so if you like this one, consider reading that one. As an introduction, I was trying to write stories based on every parsha of the Bible. I got through Bereshit (Genesis) but then gave up. As far as I know, this is the only one I sold. It’s based on the first parsha which goes from the creation of the world to G-d deciding to kill everyone except for Noah and his family. It’s also based on my great great grandfather’s hundredth birthday party (give or take a few years) which was mostly an excuse to get everyone together in a bar. There are also Nazis in this one, so there’s that banality of evil.

Family Reunion

by Tim Lieder

Step through the bar. The men upstairs aren’t invited. Pub crawlers prefer the dim light. They've spent many long nights with reassignments. Everything is classified. It’s good for the war effort. Come along. Step this way.

Hear the party halfway down the steps. Great Uncle Johann passes you on the stairwell. Say hello to your Great Uncle Johann. He’s going to the bathroom upstairs because there’s a long line downstairs. Great Uncle Johann barely makes it to the top. True drinker that one. He has a business fixing bicycles outside of Austria.

Everyone is happy. It's a big rented room; much brighter, much warmer. Yes, you see sad faces because of Alois, but Alois will be home soon. He’s having a great time at camp. He writes every month to say how much he regrets ever helping Communists. Don’t dwell too much on Alois. It’s a party. Unemployment is down. Economy is up. We all have jobs.

Look. Aunt Helen is just rushing around the room. She has been working on this party for weeks. When she calms down, ask her about the boy that tried to steal apples from her backyard.

“He was unashamed,” she’ll say, “he really thought that my backyard was his personal garden. I would have given him anything but he took the apples.”

You will hear clicking tongues. Aunt Patricia will say that the boy was probably a gypsy or a Jew. We try to stop Aunt Patricia from being so blunt. Aunt Helen will say no. He wasn’t Jewish. He was a good Aryan boy and his uncle is a member of the Polizei. Officially nothing happened but the officer was ready to put his nephew on the Western Front. The boy never stole apples again.

The story varies depending on Helen’s mood. She talks about the new police force, so much nicer than the old group. A government that pays for law and order gets law and order. Second or third cousin Claudius claims that the story only means that Aunt Helen is a mean old woman.

That's Claudius’s brother, Augustus, on the Eastern wall trying to get everyone to sing an old drinking song. They aren’t singing. Augustus has a Roman nose to go with his Roman name. Their sister Julia is named after Julius Caesar. See her? She’s at the snack table devouring bratwurst and sauerkraut. She’s pregnant and eats for twelve. Tears of joy run down her face and ruin her make-up. Sometimes her eyes get so puffy from crying that she wears sunglasses.

Julia tells anyone that will listen that she's named after a Roman emperor and giving birth in the time of Empire. We are very proud of her and Ludwig. Her husband works at the railroad company. His temper and fierce personality will endow the baby with strength.

Wind your way through these relatives and friends of relatives. How is your mother? That’s great. Here’s Adolph. He’s sitting a little ways off. He doesn’t hear too good but he’s sharp. Talk just a little loud. He’s our birthday boy. 930 years old today. What? Yes, just kidding. It’s a little joke and sorry Adolph. I didn’t mean to joke about your…he can’t hear too well.

Don't stare. I know he’s shaking like he’s already in the next world. You see the glassy eyes and it’s hard to remember how he used to scare everyone. Anna says that when she was a young girl - sometime after the ice age – he used to yell at her for stealing apples. I think it was the same apple tree in Helen’s back yard.

He lied when he went into the army. He was only 17 but it was the happiest time of his life. He warned us that if we ate left handed that they wouldn’t let us in. The army doesn’t take deviants, not even left handed deviants.

He is just sitting there. Ja. Hate to say it but the old man doesn’t have much time. Fifty years ago he could lift boulders. Ask him about Voltaire. Imagine living in the Golden Age from Faust to the autobahn.

We found his diaries when he was courting Eva – that’s our great great great great – I forget – grandmother; he would say that she was made for him. He called her his soul mate and he meant it. It sounds almost beautiful.

You wouldn’t know it to look at him with his thick glasses, his yellow sweater and his hands trembling over a gold watch. Life changed him. Eva died in 1935. They were inseparable. He never resented her for opening his eyes to the world. I think it still makes him sad to lose his old family, but he chose Eva. He lived well.

We signed a non-aggression pact. It’s temporary. Communism will fall. Adolph should be happy. He’s not even looking at the blue paper “Happy Birthday Adolph” on the western wall. Opa Adolph is an unhappy man. We love him but I think he knows that we’re saying goodbye.

See the great fat man with the long white hair and the burn mark on his forehead. That’s your great great uncle Dane. He's going to sit next to Adolph with his wife taking a picture. Dane is Adolph's oldest son. It doesn't seem fair. Adolph is slumped over with shrinking bones; Dane is growing fatter and fatter. See that scar on his forehead? He's had it since he was a teenager. He was riding along with Abbot and they both fell off the side of the road. Abbot broke his neck. Dane loved Abbot. Look at him in his silk suit and his party pin. Isn't he just bursting with the exuberance?

Look. It's Patty. Patricia. I’m sorry. Don’t call her Patty. She hates it. That's Rolph next to her. He looks so tall and handsome in his uniform? Just like Laurence Olivier. He’s the youngest man in our village to join the SS. And he's going to marry Patty. Rolph hasn’t asked yet but it’s only a matter of time. If we’re lucky, Officer Schmidt will be putting in an appearance.

Don’t worry about Alois. He was always a bad kid. He once tied a cat to a light post and threw rocks at it. If he's having a bad time, he deserves it.

Aunt Patricia is talking to cousin Gottleib. Yes. Gottleib gives one the impression that he’s floating off the ground. His eyes are so blue. Patricia is bragging. She negotiated a great deal on the house because Jews once lived in it. Gottleib is nodding.

See Roger, Patricia’s father, in the South corner at the poker game? He's the hairy one. He’s trying to get Rudolph to join. Looks like…see he’s sitting down, right next to Uncle Francis and Aunt Jasmine. I hope they aren’t too hard on him. Roger shouldn’t rob his future son-in-law. Roger is already attaining so many new government contracts from Rudolph's influence.

Johann just moved to the radio. That's why you hear the horse race. I’d hate you to think that the entire family gambles. We drink too much. We smoke but no one in this family has lost his house on a poker game to a Jewish gangster. You won’t find us running numbers with negroes like they do in New York City. Johann, get away from the radio. I don’t care how…ok he lost. He's turning it off. Johann is a child at heart. He’s a weapons manufacturer and he can’t think of anywhere to spend his money beyond betting on horses. His family would eat oysters from silver plates if he never gambled.

No. George get away. Don’t look at George. George is drunk. He’s almost as fat as Dane. His sons are just as dirty. Stand away and you might not smell him. See that one over there? Hal. George's son. That’s a recessive gene on his mother’s side. George is pure Aryan.

Just between you and me I think that George is trying to emulate The Brothers Karamazov. Only he’s that crazy servant. Alois was the Ivan, the know-it-all, but George has always been standing in Alois’s shadow. We could respect Alois because he knew what he was talking about. George only spews profanity and attitude. George thinks we’re all stupid. Look at him. He’s munching on chips, wiping his nose on his sleeve and he says we’re savages. He’s always combing those three strands of hair over his pointy bald head. His children and his half-gypsy wife are no better. No, I don’t know that she’s really half-gypsy. If I did, I’d arrest her. That woman steals things.

Just between you and me, George may not be around much longer.

Hello! Guten Tag! Guten Abend! Stand up. Salute. It's Officer Schmidt. If Rudolph is falling off his chair to salute, you better stand. Officer Schmidt is such an old fashioned gentleman when he picks up Rudolph’s cards and pats him on the head.

“Best hand I’ve had all night, Sir,” says Rudolph with only the trace of a smile. Rudolph is a very disciplined lad. He’ll go far. See the way his hair doesn't move. Not a trace of a wrinkle on his uniform.

“Reminds me of the time…” says Officer Schmidt. He tells a story about three polacks that came running at his squadron. They soiled themselves when they saw the uniforms. Five of his men received medals just for accepting the surrender. The Polish front was filled with action – poker action, cribbage action, blackjack every night. They captured laundry lines and confiscated footballs.

Don't worry about great aunt Helen. You can’t help it when she makes everyone sing Deutschland Uber Alles. You saw her blue dress? Yes. The newspapers reported that the Fuhrer’s favorite color was blue. Of course she’s embarrassing Officer Schmidt. He’s a gentleman. George is coming up to Officer Schmidt. Elaine puts her hand on his arm, but she’s not stopping him. It’s like that time last September when he threw bread crumbs in the Rhine. No one could stop him then either.

“I always hated that song, Officer Schmidt,” he says. He's all chummy. He's got his greasy hand on Officer Schmidt's uniform. “I hate all patriotic songs. I watched tanks roll by for four hours to celebrate the Fuhrer’s birthday or bowel movement and I don’t know how you can stand it all the time.”

That's our George. Poor Rudolph looks stricken. Roger is holding his chest but he's not showing his cards. Don't worry. Might just be the sausage and the wine. Even poor Adolph is distressed. Look at him shaking and trembling. I bet he's expecting Eva to come down the stairs.

Yet Officer Schmidt just smiles and says that George doesn’t have to sing. He even laughs generously. A good German should internalize his pride without the songs, but the songs help the Fatherland. A true gentleman can give rebuke without anger or spite. George looks embarrassed. Helen is stammering out an apology even as Officer Schmidt retreats to the dessert table.

Johann is talking to another cousin talking about split atoms. Yes. It’s a decadent Jewish idea but not without merit. Claudius is preaching to strange cousins. They are laughing about a girl that would never fornicate until marriage, but drowned five months before her wedding.

Augustus has drafted three of the children - I think they are Julia’s kids - to sing tunes from The Flying Dutchman. Augustus’ own son is spinning around five times with a beer stein balanced on his head. It keeps falling but he catches it every time. The child wears lederhosen.

Gottleib puts his hand on Opa’s shoulder. He has tears in his eyes. George is sitting on the other side. George is leaning into Opa as if he’s delivering confidential information but everyone can hear him.

“I hate this family. I hate you. You fucked us all into existence, Opa. Look at us now. Aren’t you proud? Augustus is a suicide waiting to happen. Patty is engaged to an SS shit because she’s pregnant and he’s gay. Did you know that your precious Helen was in with the bohemians in the 1890s. She still has the pictures. Now she’s racial purity and fake morality. Johann can win more money and piss in everyone’s face. Helen kills apple thieves. War is coming and we’re going to make money.”

Damnation and hellfire, I’m sorry. George doesn’t know what he’s saying. Why is Gottleib crying? Opa turns to George with a sad scared look. His hands are trembling.

“Who are you?” he says. George doesn’t answer. He just stumbles away. If you watch him long enough he’s going to fall. Opa Adolph is shaking. Damn George. Opa Adolph has heard enough. Tomorrow we’ll pretend that nothing happened. George always ruins everything. Have you seen his wife? She’s a fat swollen whore.

Dane is leaning on Officer Schmidt. George has wandered back to Opa. No wait, Opa is standing with his hand on George’s arm. He’s telling George something.

Hello George. Did Opa kick you out?

“No,” says George. “He just gave me an address of an old friend and told me to survive.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Ask Gottleib. I think he knows.”

“Where is Gottleib?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think it’s wise.”

“I don’t think,” says George. George grabs his sons and his wife and they leave. Hal is yelling at George as if he’s three. I don’t know why they were rushing off. Don’t ask them. They might stay.

Hello Helen. Beautiful party. Don’t strain yourself. See those worry lines around Helen’s mouth. She thinks that she’s going to have a heart attack. Officer Schmidt thinks you’re beautiful. Relax. You’re dazzling him. She’s persecuting him; don’t tell her. Aunt Helen is very sensitive.

Julia is spitting on her husband. She even throws off her sunglasses. Ludwig is too drunk to fight back but he laughs. He knows how to treat a lady and he knows how to treat a whore. I wish they wouldn’t fight. Julia’s child will be the strength of Germany. Julia could have been a great concert pianist. Now Brahms and Mozart are distant memories. Ludwig stomps away. He always shows restraint when Julia gets in her mood.

Dane is laughing with Officer Schmidt. Good things will emerge. He’s talking about black sheep. I wish he wouldn’t speak so openly to outsiders. Adolph is walking to them. He’s leaning heavily on his cane but he’s walking. His hand reaches out and grabs Dane’s arm for balance. He’s gasping.

“I…I remember,” says Adolph looking Officer Schmidt directly in the eyes.

Officer Schmidt puts his hand on Adolph to hold him up. Officer Schmidt treats him like he was his own grandfather. Adolph’s speech comes out between gasps and wheezing but he sounds clear.

“I remember I left my family. Eva wanted me to leave the Yeshiva. I couldn’t refuse her. I needed her. My friends wondered what would happen. We were such idealists. Some of us really believed that Rashi, Gemara and Maimonides belonged in the past. We’d be the new Jews of Goethe and Voltaire. We were German citizens with Jewish religion. We were enlightened and you enlightened us. You burned the building down.”

Opa stands around looking at the family. He smiles in his skull. Officer Schmidt is still smiling but less warmly. Helen looks around to see if anyone can stop him. Not all of us have tainted blood. You can’t blame us for our ancestors.

“We had all of these dreams. I don’t know where to look for us now. You aren’t going to murder us. We are hiding in America, in Russia, in Palestine. We’ll build our own thousand year empire. The Zionists are crazy. You made them sane. Dane knows. He’s a good paper pusher and I know what he does. Everyone in this room contaminates your Empire.”

Opa smiles and his eyes are wide. Rudolph is choking an excuse. Opa collapses on Officer Schmidt and everything comes out of him. He’s pissing on Officer Schmidt’s uniform. Patricia is crying.

“You can’t leave,” she screams to Rudolph. Rudolph is trying to restrain Officer Schmidt. Haptsturmfuhrer Winston Schmidt just says that he trusts Rudolph will perform his duties with honor. He leaves a minute before Rudolph punches Patty in the face. There’s no joy in his action. Johann turns off the radio and goes to the telephone. Augustus stands stiller than time. Dane walks out the door.

Go home. The party's over. No one checks Adolph. Helen should be leading him back to the home, but she’s crying. Everyone can wait for the knock on the door. There’s always a knock on the door.

Later that evening, Helen will drives Opa home. He will hobble in slowly but she will leave before his third step inside. The radio plays broadcasts and the children chant “Kill the Dirty Jews." She will go home and turns on her radio. “Deutschland Uber Alles" will follow "The Ride of the Valkyries." She gives her husband a cupcake. It’s filled with cyanide. She eats half.

#

In a place near Bonn at the end of street known for prostitutes, a man named Wolfgang Wagner lives comfortably and alone. His father’s uncle was Richard Wagner, or so he claims. He loves the Ring Trilogy. His blond hair has turned white. He shaves every morning. He goes to the barber every month. If you look into his steel blue eyes you’ll know that he is Nietzche’s fantasy made flesh.

Wolfgang Wagner is a watchmaker and jeweler. He repairs timepieces - a craftsman in an age of factory imitation. When he was young he learned his trade in Switzerland. Everyone loves Wolfgang Wagner. He doesn’t have an enemy. He never says an unkind word; many customers have never paid for his services. He trusts that they will honor their debt.

He has been a Nazi since 1933. He even campaigned for an SA office in the town hall well before it became mandatory. The Communists threw fire on his shop but he put it out and the Nazis helped him rebuild. They even helped him build the secret part of the house – the small room on the other side of his closet where Wolfgang maintains a dark secret. George lives in that room with his wife and three sons. They fight in hisses and whispers and glares.

#

The rest of the family lives elsewhere. Rudolph was shipped to the front. He seemed heartbroken.

Again this was published in On the Premises, so find out what it lost to.

Yom Kippur starts tomorrow, so here’s my Gofundme, if you like me.

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