Happy Purim 2025

Songs in the Key of Acheshveros

“Beware of rulers, for they befriend one only for their profit. They act friendly when it benefits them, but they do not stand by one in their time of need.” - Perkei Avos 2:3

Purim is about Jewish survival. Purim is about the Diaspora. Antisemitism is more popular than ever. Non-Jews want to kill us. On Purim we hear the megillah, feast and wear costumes. We also drink. It's a ridiculous holiday. It's a drunk holiday. It's the holiest day in the Jewish calendar besides Yom Kippur.

Persian King Acheshveros has a party that lasts for days. He calls for his queen and she refuses his summons. So he execute her. That leaves an opening for Mordechai to install his niece Esther in the palace. Esther marries Acheshveros but keeps her Jewish identity secret. Not a moment too soon. Enter Haman. Boo! Fuck that guy! Haman, burning with rage against Mordechai, wants all Jews dead. He convinces Acheshveros to write a decree stating that Persians will kill all the Jews.

Mordechai tells Esther to help. Esther is reluctant. Mordechai convinces her. She invites Acheshveros to dinner. Haman builds the scaffolding to either hang or impale Mordechai. Seemingly random events lead to Acheshveros executing Haman and his family at Esther's behest. Acheshveros then issues a second decree allowing Jews to arm themselves and kill those who were so eager to kill them.

One wishes that a foolish king who alternately agrees to kill us and arm us depending on which advisor gets to him was a fantasy, a historical curiosity. Yet, here we are. Last year, Biden claimed that he was committed to Israel but kept cutting off aid and pushing for a one-sided ceasefire. Leftist Nazis were on college campuses spreading blood libel and taking over buildings. No one wanted to crack down because all the popular Squad politicians were visiting for photo ops.

Hamas fanboys are so brat.

Now we have Trump threatening to turn Gaza into a beach resorts and pushing Hamas into an actual ceasefire where those evil shits release hostages. Arab leaders who spent years building up Gaza and blaming Israel whenever Hamas started another war are advancing peace plans. After spending 17 months leading the Columbia University Nazis, breaking property, harassing Jews and spouting Hamas propaganda, Mahmoud Khalil is in custody awaiting deportation. His fans are framing it as a First Amendment issue. Even Jews who haven't been paying attention are falling for that argument. Don't worry. He'll get his due process before fucking off to South Africa or Ireland or Spain or wherever Nazis are welcome these days.

First they came for the Jews, an I called it the Resistance. And then they came for the Jews, and I celebrated. And then they came for the Jews and I found three Jewish leftists who said that it was ok.

Then they came for the Jews again, and I explained why Anti-Zionism is not antisemitism

And then they came for the Jews and I accused the Jews of genocide.

And then they came for the Jews and I said Nothing.

ANd then they came for the Jews and I said nothing.

And then Elon made a Nazi gesture, and I was suddenly speaking on behalf of the Jews.

And then Columbia University lost funding and I screamed out against it.

And then they came for that guy who was coming for the Jews and I told the Jews that they were bad Jews for not speaking out against deporting that Nazi. - Some Asshole on Facebook (j/k it was me)

As a lifelong liberal and Democrat, I'm pissed that Trump is the one who is actually doing something about these Qatar funded shits – both in Gaza and America. Certainly Trump isn't doing anything else positive for America. Gutting federal agencies, putting Elon Musk in charge, doing all he can to bypass Congress to install his Yes Men is damaging the Republic so much that it will take decades to repair.

Last year we had an Acheshveros who tried to please everyone, got increasingly befuddled and ended up dropping out the presidential race way too late for Democrats to nominate a successor. Had Kamala won, she would have been an Acheshveros who continued the American tradition of forcing Israel to enter into suicidal peace plans while ignoring campus Nazis. We would have a functional federal government. I'd probably still have my food stamps.

Instead, we get an Acheshveros who sucks up to Putin, tries to force Ukraine into a suicidal peace plan and is currently on Israel's side, but how long will that last? Especially when his hero, Putin, is so closely aligned with Iran and China? How long is Saudi Arabia going to to play diplomat? It's still a theocracy that murdered Jamal Khashoggi.

Happy Purim tonight. Let's drink together (I won't be drinking because of the diabetes medicine but you guys have fun) and tomorrow we get to have feasts that will go into Shabbos. For now, the random happenstance of the world seems to favor us. It might not be that way next year.

So celebrate Purim if you celebrate Purim. We need it more than ever.

Don't think about how much you have to do to get ready for Pesach (sorry).

We also give tzeddaka on Purim, so if you’d like, please donate to my gofundme.

I also write stuff. It’s not Purim related but you can buy Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers.

Of course, you can piss off a leftist Nazi and donate to AIPAC.