I was 12 years old and my Lutheran youth group went on a field trip to The Jesus People Church, a mega-church with a rock band and clapping. The pastor told jokes. At the end, everyone was swaying and the pastor asked anyone who wanted to give their live to Christ to raise their hand. My hand went up. I thought everyone's hand was going up.
When I realized my mistake, I couldn't very well say “Oops. Sorry. I thought this was group thing,” and sit down. So I went up to the stage. The pastor prayed over me. An indoctrination guy shuffled me off to the side for spiritual counseling. He told me that this was a commitment. I could no longer go out partying and drinking and engaging in premarital sex.
I was 12.
I was a 12 year old boy whose ideal of fun was going to church.
(a few years later. Damn, I was cute)
Eliphaz is even more delusional than that youth pastor. He wants Job to deserve his troubles, so he imagines Job's sins. He must have done something. When Eliphaz accuses Job of oppressing widows and orphans, of using his landlord status to hurt people, of sending the poor away hungry, he's hoping he's right. If Eliphaz hits the right sin, Job can hate himself.
Eliphaz's methodology is depressingly typical. Eliphaz is trying to brainwash Job, first with negging and then with love bombing. Had Eliphz chosen an anxious and broken Job, he might have found success. Happily, by this point, Job is too angry and sick of Eliphaz's shit to take him seriously.
Also, Job never oppressed widows or orphans.
Eliphaz really thinks that he can brainwash Job into shutting up, but he's too smug. He hasn't even listened. Job has been calling on G-d to explain human suffering. Eliphaz hears Job denying G-d. Job passionately rails against an unjust universe. Eliphaz admonishes him for “standing aloof.”
As if that's not enough, Eliphaz goes full October 7 Leftist:
19 The righteous see their ruin and rejoice;
the innocent mock them, saying,
20 ‘Surely our foes are destroyed,
and fire devours their wealth.’
Does Eliphaz even listen to the words coming out of his mouth? Doesn't he realize that “their ruin” is “Job's ruin.” He thinks that he's righteous so he rejoices at Job's ruin. Has Eliphaz hated Job this entire time? Fire destroys Job's life and he's happy?
Again, Eliphaz is cult leader. Besides brainwashing, cults discourage empathy. Any emotion that isn't adoration for the leader is forbidden. At the height of the Great Leap Forward, millions starved to death. Mao didn't care. In 1950s China, caring about one's family was counterrevolutionary. Aum Shinrikyo murdered entire families before they set off the sarin gas. Jehovah's Witnesses and Scientologists routinely abandon their doubting friends and relatives.
Eliphaz rejoices at Job's pain. He barely pretends to care about Job. He only wants Job to admit his wickedness and repent because Job disturbs his sanctimony. Job is contradicting him. When Eliphaz tells Job to accept G-d's instructions, he means that Job should accept Eliphaz's instructions. Like my dumbshit cousin who claims to have predicted 9/11 (many years after 9/11) and shares Alex Jones conspiracies, Eliphaz thinks that he's a prophet. Eliphaz is truly that arrogant.
For the rest of the chapter, Eliphaz just repeats his nonsense. He replies to Job with “nuh-uh, you deserve it” and admonishes Job to humble himself (STFU) because then G-d will reward him with riches (prosperity gospel). It's beautiful poetry, but it's a bit tedious, especially if you aren't joining his cult.
Ironically, people who've never read Job think that the theme is Eliphaz's meshuggas. Hear about Job from the pulpit or your youth pastor and you'll think it's about a man who loses everything but keeps faith. So he gets it all back, just like Eliphaz promises. With that puerile interpretation, Jung and an army of atheists sound almost clever when they point out that G-d comes off like sociopath. Those people aren't arguing with the actual book. They are arguing with Eliphaz.
And Eliphaz is a fucking idiot.
It’s Elul. If you’d like to give tzeddaka before Rosh Hashana, here’s my gofundme. I really could use it.
Want more Bible stuff, but you can’t wait until my next Job article? Here’s a book about Rashi, a medieval rabbi.