"Private Rituals" by Dorothy Allison (High Risk)

A Very Uncomfortable Read

In 8^th grade, Tina M sexually harassed me. She'd grab me, put her hand down my pants, ask me if I masturbated and then announce my positive answer to the entire bus. I didn't know what to feel about it. On one hand, every societal message (not to mention that perpetual erection) said that it was what I desperately wanted. On the other hand, she scared me. I was afraid that she's tear my clothes off if I didn't run away. I also knew that she was bullying, definitely nicer than potentially getting beat up, but still bullying. Other times, she seemed to genuinely like me as a person and not an object of ridicule.

It's very possible that Tina M was experiencing a childhood similar to Dorothy Allison. One time, she visited a friend at my church and I saw her crying. Another time, she got drunk at a party and either had sex or got raped in the corner – in full view of other guests. She dated the biggest guy in middle school – the star hockey player and genial delinquent. He thought her “hand down my pants” stunt was very funny. She was definitely a mess. I hope she's OK.

Dorothy Allison wrote “Private Rituals” as a warning to potential Bastard out of Carolina publishers. She had written about her childhood in other stories, but “Private Rituals” was the first one to explicitly depict her stepfather raping her – with all the confusion and ambiguity that time carried. If the publisher wanted to work with her, they were going to have to deal with incest and sexual violence against children – also childhood masturbation. If they were skittish about the story, they weren't going to like the book. Most publishers don't want to deal with incest or molestation. Check five random submission guidelines and at least four of them will put “sexual violence against children” at the top of the “Do Not Want” list.

“Private Rituals” begins with her stating that as an 8 year old girl, she discovered that her younger sister was masturbating. Before the stepfather gets his hands on her, she's expressing a sexual need. One of the most difficult aspects of sexual assault is how the victim's partially responded in a positive way. Rape victims have orgasms and feel betrayed by their own bodies. Victims of statutory rape spend years not understanding that they were groomed and manipulated.

This is told from a child's perspective, so the ambiguity is intentional. Her stepfather hits her but she senses that there's more to it. When he starts raping her, she has expected it for years. A scene with her uncle is more confusing because she portrays herself as the aggressor and in many ways, her stepfather has programmed her to act this way. Even as her uncle takes charge and dry humps her, she's getting off with the help of pine cones. At least her uncle has the decency to be disgusted with what he did, not in time not to do it, but he does avoid her after that.

In this story, sexuality is everywhere, in an unhealthy quantity, with no reprieve. Everything is about sex and masturbation. This is the most powerful depiction of the easy way that adults can prey on young people. If you don't know what you want beyond the genital satisfaction, an adult can exploit it. It doesn't help that pop culture often sexualizes children with creepy ads, and statutory rape jokes.

Of course, as I was reading this story and thinking about how it was brave and powerful, I also had to ask who it was for. Dorothy Allison is writing her life story, including the part where she tells her uncles about her stepfather and how they run him off. Only her mother takes him back. She's trying to realistically depict the scary confusion of sexual assault, especially the way it confuses young victims who don't have the insight to know that they are victims.

Yet, I couldn't help thinking that the two audiences who would really enjoy this story are victims and pedophiles. There are many scenes of children masturbating and getting off on their abuse. Yes, it's realistic, but also some fans probably should be kept far away from children. I guess I remember enjoying Piers Anthony at a young age and not being bothered by his blatant pedophilia. I still wonder at Del Rey publishing him for the Young Adult crowd, as well as the libraries and bookstores that heavily promoted him to young readers. Were the puns in Ogre Ogre really that funny?

On the other hand, this story has helped survivors. For sexual assault and incest survivors, this story and Bastard Out of Carolina is a great therapeutic text that lets them relive their experiences in a way that tells them that they aren't alone.

Which brings us to Trigger Warnings (or Content Warnings).

Trigger warnings are virtue signaling bullshit. They've been bullshit for years. I liked the notion of trigger warnings up until October 7 when the people most likely to insist on trigger warnings were more than happy to celebrate Hamas and “the resistance.” They had spent so many years avoiding the unpleasant things that they could justify mass murder and rape. If they ever talked about October 7, they'd put a trigger warning on “Zionism” and just deny that Hamas raped anyone.

More importantly, trigger warnings counteract therapeutic experiences. Take Blood on the Tracks by Shuzo Oshimi. This book depicts a needy and emotionally unstable mother that practically ruins her son's life. By the end of the book, he has to take care of her and instead of the monster from his childhood, he's dealing with a poor sick woman who needs help. It made me cry hard because it reflected my relationship with my difficult mother and her last years. A trigger warning would have blunted the impact. I wasn't triggered. I experienced catharsis.

Long before well-meaning idiots put trigger warnings on everything from Orwell (sexist) to Shakespeare (suicide), Dorothy Allison's work was ideal for trigger warnings. Trigger warnings for sexual assault and violence. Yet, Dorothy Allison's legions of readers are not so much triggered as helped. Books are safe. Sexual assault survivors can read Dorothy Allison in the privacy of their homes and deal with the bad memories and emotional issues in a safe healthy way.

This is a powerful and uncomfortable piece. It's almost too bad that Dorothy Allison didn't write more. I might not love it but I definitely respect it.

Thank you for reading. If you enjoy my writing, either consider a paid subscription, tipping me by giving to my gofundme or hiring me as a writer/editor. I can edit resumes, manuscripts and theses. You can contact me via omanlieder@yahoo.com or

To read more about Dorothy Allison, here is her NYT obituary.

Buy Bastard Out of Carolina and her other books.

And if you want to read about Zombies fucking, I self-published my short stories as Sugarplum Zombie Motherfuckers.