"The Children" (The Stories of John Cheever)

The Adventures of a Professional Bootlicker

Victor Mackenzie is a schmuck, a putz, the non-denominational equivalent. Victor MacKenzie is one of the most pathetic John Cheever protagonists. He's also one of the more uncomfortably familiar. The rest of us post guillotine gifs and anti-Musk memes as we suck up to rich people. Victor MacKenzie serves the wealthy without shame, hoping for a day when he will exchange his servitude for fortune. He fails because no matter how close he gets to these people, their awful children still come first.

Part One: Smithers to Mr. Burns

Mr. Hatherly starts out the story. Note that his name is one letter away from fatherly. Like the lonely millionaire in The Pot of Gold, the only way he can make friends is to hire people. He's so taken with Victor that he informally adopts Victor as an heir apparent. The story introduces Victor as an immigrant from Scotland or England who works extra hours and has a hole in his sock.

Victor becomes the perfect servant. He walks Mr. Hatherly to work every morning and stays with him. When Mr. Hatherly goes on a trip, Victor sends the man's forgotten glasses on the next plane. Eventually Victor gets married and they name their daughter after Mr. Hatherly's mother.

Mr. Hatherly sees Victor as a son, a better son than the biological son. Unfortunately, Mr. Hatherly is a terrible father. Mr. Hatherly keeps Victor in his place, not even allowing him to make a presentation. Like every terrible parent, Mr. Hatherly sets Victor and his biological son against each other. When Mr. Hatherly cuts off Junior's money flow, save for a weekly allowance, Victor tells him. Then Victor dispenses the allowance. In the few moments that Junior and Victor can chat, Mr. Hatherly interrupts them. When Mr. Hatherly is not using Victor to make Junior feel like a failure, he's invading Victor's parties to spend long nights crying about his ungrateful family.

Obviously, Mr. Hatherly had no intention of actually making Victor his heir. So when Mr. Hatherly dies, Victor isn't even invited to the funeral. He's not in the will. Junior fires Victor and Victor can't even get a job in the field because he did inherit Mr. Hatherly's enemies.

Part Two: Sad Saltburn

The scene moves from New York City to Salisbury Hall, the most prestigious mansion in Pittsburgh. Years have passed. Victor has ingratiated himself with Mrs. Brownlee, a wealthy widow, by taking her drunk son home. Victor's now teenage daughter alienates Mrs. Brownlee by calling her mansion a moldy old wreck, a regular junk heap.

Victor and his wife choose the mansion and the old widow over their daughter. Later in the story, they wonder why she isn't talking to them. For a few years, their lives are great. Victor's wife sews. Victor runs the charity parties. Mrs. Brownlee often praises them. She's certain that her daughter will love them even if her son hates them.

It’s like Saltburn without the murder or the naked dance through the mansion – in other words a sad version of Saltburn where Felix evicts Oliver without a fuss.

For years, Mrs. Brownlee loves the MacKenzies. She depends on them. She lets them run her dances and girl scout funds. They eat in the best rooms. The fountains are cracked and the rats live in the basement but they almost family. Victor even kicks out people sneaking into the grounds to picnic.

Then Mrs. Brownlee's daughter meets Victor and she hates him. If you've ever worked temp, you know how the next scene plays out. No matter how much praise you've received, no matter how often they've promised to hire you as a permanent, suddenly you become the worst worker that ever sulked into the office. Mrs. Brownlee tells them that her son hates them (understandable), that those people on the lawn were her dead husband's friends. Victor insulted her daughter by asking her how long she's been gone. “The harried and garishly painted old lady wielded over the MacKenzies the power of angels” and that power pushes them out of Eden – or the dilapidated rat-filled mansion with broken fountains that passes for luxury in Pittsburgh.

They leave through the servant's door. No one even helps them pack.

Part Three: Kato Kaelin

Finally comes the happy ending. Victor and his wife have stopped striving for great wealth or even estates. Instead, they luck upon a lonely old woman who invites them to stay for tea after returning her silver coffeepot. Then she invites them to stay the night. Eleven days later, they are still there with no intention of leaving.

Victor and his wife won't become industry leaders or even members of the Pittsburgh elite. They can still be house guests. As Kato Kaelin proved to Generation X, there are millionaires with guest rooms and guest houses. At least a few of them are lonely enough to want semi-permanent guests. Most don't commit double homicide. They are going to invite someone to stay over so why can't it be you?

As Victor finds his way into an easy house guest lifestyle, we must count him happy. Probably happier than Sisyphus.

Next Week: Drunks!!!

You can read my story “Discourses on the Seven Headed Monkey” in Spectrum: An Autistic Horror Anthology

I sold my pizza themed story as a reprint to Archive of the Odd # 3 and I highly recommend the anthology. All the stories are told in non-traditional styles (one is told like a video game review. Another story is a syllabus for a time travel class. It’s just a really cool anthology, the kind I love having my name associated with)